double trouble

i still want to go through the book again and re-read some stuff or something. but for now, i'm going to set out on one of the topics i mentioned in my last post. twins.

it's an interesting phenomenon, to be sure. i always joke that i wanted to be a twin AND left-handed and that i got screwed on both at birth. what an alcoholic i am. but i never have been particularly close to my sister*, and i think i've always been envious of people who have these great best friend-y relationships with their sibling/s.

i guess i've always assumed you naturally get that sort of thing with a twin. i'm sure there are lots of stereotypical disadvantages, but from all the twins i've known and all the media i've read, it just seems like the advantages FAR outweigh the disadvantages.

fraternal twins are interesting enough, but identical twins (like thomas and dominick) hold even more of a magical allure. what would it be like to possibly switch identities with someone? to show up somewhere where others were expecting someone else? to playfully trick people? i don't know. i'm sure it's all fantasy fueled by movies and such. but really, wouldn't that be cool?

as far as this book is concerned, i have to say some of it (?) cut close to the vest. it's weird. in some respects, i acknowledge the fact that i'm "mentally ill," but that it's stabilized. i think of it like cancer in remission, kind of. most of the time, i wouldn't describe myself as 'mentally ill,' but more someone who has a mental illness. even that is pretty stigmatizing, though. but, i do know that manic-depression is a serious 'disorder,' and it can really get in the way of my living.

funny, though, just like people have different ways of making sure they have someone to look down on or be 'better than,' i've always been so glad i'm not ... a schizophrenic. that would be so terrible, i think. but i have to step back and realize that there have got to be plenty of people who are totally happy they aren't me and my head.

anyway, i digress again. i think it's weird that one identical twin could have a mental disorder and the other wouldn't. i mean, aren't their genes exactly the same? i know that circumstances can trigger mental illness sometimes ... do you think that thomas' schizophrenia was brought on by all the abuse he suffered from ray? do you think that dominick escaped it because he was always worrying about everything and had to literally keep his head together?

or is it just random set of fate kind of thing. i'm not sure why dominick *didn't* end up schizo, but i'm convinced that thomas wouldn't have been as bad off if he wasn't tortured so much.

okay, i've gotten off my twin thing. anyway, i can't imagine then if the movie thing is true and you have this great special bond and great secret language and all that sort of thing ... what do you do when one of you is gone? physically, permanently, mentally, temporarily? do you miss a part of yourself? are you glad that a part of you has been set free? or are you horribly sad?

i'm sure it's different with everyone. i think this book did a great job of staying in the gray a lot. it had so many different shades and nuances ... there wasn't a whole lot of room for black and white thinking, and even when i had it (ray is an evil shithole bastard), things tended to soften (ray considers dominick/thomas his kids and he goes to help them when they need it).

okay, enough. someone else should start talking.






*at times, we'd just go months and months without speaking. there was no incident that was a precursor to this; it just was what happened when i lived somewhere else and there was no real reason for me to go home. drinking and drugging commanded all of my free time, and going home to see my parents/family was a real chore. things have changed a lot over the years. i've learned how to be a daughter and really, in the last year or so, i've learned how to be a halfway decent sister. it's funny what a little growing up and some death will do to you. it is in these moments that i have a glimpse of the fact that i might be an 'adult,' and in a good way.